Limbeck / Limbeck, the totally fucking awesome / Limbeck the Shark slayer / Limbeck A blimp named slickblood
Kill The Vampire Pope
I heard a noise. I wasent sure what. Everything was black and it felt like I was floating.
“Shit…” I thought.
I was dead. I HAD to be. I mean.. what was going on? Last thing I remember was passing out from blood loss at the church… I must have died from the wounds. Was I in purgatory or something? The sound got louder and more distinguished. It was a beep. BEEP, pause, BEEP, and it went on. It got louder and louder until it was really loud. Then I heard a muffled voice. I attempted to open my eyes. Feeling was returning to my body. It was pain, but at least it was feeling. My eye lids slowly opened to a blinding white light. Everything was white. I sat up, I was in a bed it felt like. But everything was still white.
The beeping was coming from close to my right. But still, everything was white. I blinked a lot, hoping to get my eyes to see things again. Eventually I did. Everything came into sight. A bit too bright, but yeah, I was in a hospital room. I saw other beds and a doctor walking towards me. He babbled something in France talk and looked at me expectantly.
“Uh…” I stumbled. “Okay,” I raised my voice so people could hear me, “Does anyone here speak a real language? I can’t understand this France bull shit!”
I get many confused looks but then I hear from behind me,
“Oh, that must be Limbeck…”
It was my buddy Ares God Of War. He wasn’t the actual god of war, he was an orc who used a katana and guns. He could use anything I’m sure. He’s a bad ass with the whole combat thing. I look up to him and respect him, but he doesn’t seem to like me. With him, is the bitch ass elf guy who charismas his way into getting us jobs. I can never remember his fuckin name though. The elf says something in French talk and the doctor walks away.
“So… do you guys know where my stuff is?” I asked worried. I’d hate to loose my axe.
“Yeah, the hospital is holing it for you. Your leaving tonight, we don’t have too much time for this, we still have our mission,” Ares says.
I can tell he wants to get this done and get paid. I know I do.
“Oh, also,” he adds, “I had to use your C4 to get some vampire fucks… your backpack is gone with it.”
I shrug, “What ever, as long as we’re alive right? So…. Was it a big explosion?”
He grins, “The entire church blew the fuck up. Shame you missed it.”
Damn it! I wish I coulda been awake… I mean, it was MY C4 after all…
It starts to get dark and Ares and elf fag drive to the place we are staying. We enter the hotel room and waiting for us is frenchy mc French French and this wizard guy. Well, not a guy, an orc. Unless orc boys are referred to as guys…
What ever. The dude fucking hates humans and frenchy is some damn clown. Funny stuff though. We all settle in around a table with a map of the city’s square. Our mission is to kill the pope. Not the real pope (I wish) but an imposter pope that wants to turn everyone into a vampire or something. Everyone started strategizing but me. I’m here for killing stuff with an axe. They’ll point me in the right direction.
“I’ve got an idea,” frenchy says, “I’ll levitate Ares high in the air and make you invisible. Then when you take the shot, no one will know where it’s coming from.”
It’s a good plan, and will work I’m sure. No one has any arguments. The remainder of us will be by the stage just in case. Well, that was that. We had 3 days to get things ready. Not much to prep for…. Just waiting.
The Morning of the event we got a call from this dude called the something hedgehog. Apparently the poser pope is flying a blimp full of infected vampire blood over the event and the plans to drop it on the people to infect them all. (If I wasn’t getting paid to stop it, I’d say it’s totally metal) By the time we got the call, we were already at the event. Fucking France man, the people suck, but the weather and buildings are nice. It’s a bright clear day and the streets are flooded with fucking religious nuts. We al take in this news, starting blankly at each other.
“What if we tied a plane to the blimp and pulled it away?” proposes the Elf.
A series of no’s arise. There would be no way to connect the rope or what ever to the blimp. I forgot the conversation and stare into the sky. It’s so big and vast.
“Flying is fun” I think to myself. “WAIT. I’ve got it.” The answer comes to me.
“I Know I know! If we get frenchy to cast the same two spells on me as Ares then I’ll fly to the blimp, kill the drivers then steer the blimp to the ocean and dump the blood into the ocean where it can’t hurt nobody!”
They stare at me in amazement. HAHA! I have come up with a good idea.
“This could work, and the ocean would dilute the blood to nothing! Good work Limbeck!” says frenchy.
Dilute? Oh, what ever, I just thought it would be neat to have vampire sharks, but what ever works.
“However,” he goes on, “I can’t make you invisible.”
“Just do what you can,” I say. “Is we gunna do this or what?”
Ares is sent to his position first. He fly’s up beside a building in barley in sight of the stage because it is so far away. Next he casts his levitation on me and I go flying through the air rather fast. Straight for the blimp. About half way there I remember something. Usually when there is someone like the pope speaking, he has cover snipers…
“SHIT!” I scream as a sniper round hits into my stomach.
Luckily, my jacket and magic soak most of it. Another shot goes through my mow hawk and a few others wiz by. I’m panicking by now. I’m freaking the fuck out.
“Faster damn It frenchy faster! By Satan do it!” I yell, but he’s too far down to hear. Two more shots hit my stomach, but I finally reach the glass window of the ship.
“HAIL SATAN!” I yell and chop the glass down with my magic axe and dive inside the blimp. The two robed drivers stare at me in disbelief.
“You shal die in the name of SATAN!” I yell, getting ready to kill.
One of them returns, “You will be enlightened in the name of god!”
But it’s too late for that fucker. By the time he finishes, my axe is burred in his chest and he’s hemorrhaging blood all over the place. He was in front of a big red button I assumed was the button to drop the blood. In fear of the other man diving for it, I turned to block him. Unfortunately, he has a pistol in his hands.
“That blood is getting there, one way or another,” he says, then fires three shots. I attempt to take the bullets, but he misses me and the button.
I yell, “HAIL SATAN!” and chop my axe into the right side of his neck, where his neck meets his shoulders. I yank it out. He’s still alive, but bleeding everywhere. Then, he pulls out a grenade.
“This blood will get to the people! One way or another!” He screams.
“Fuck that shit!” I yell. I don’t wanna die, and not get paid! Besides… I want his grenade and pistol. I chop his head in and the grenade rolls across the floor, pin still intact. Wewh… okay, now that THAT’S over, I go to the wheel and radio Dr. Eggmans old friend the hedgehog. He directs me to the ocean. Hell, maybe I could keep this thing? Shit, it would be an upgrade from the van. And with the 100 K, I could pay for gas! HAHA!
Unfortunately, over the COM link I hear some shots and yelling. I hear Ares yell, “but I fucking shot him in the face!”
Thaaat doesn’t sound good. I hear him cursing more about sniper fire and having to do something with his gun… I couldn’t quite make it out, but he wasn’t happy with what he was having to do with it.
Finally, I reached the ocean. I dumped the blood and was ready to go back and land.
“Okay hedgehog dude, tell me how to land her,” I say confidently and happy.
“Um….” I hear. (that cant be good). “I don’t know how to land it.” He says. “Just how to fly.”
Well fuck me sideways! What the fuck am I going to do? I didn’t think I’d survive this far in all truth… so now what? I started flying back trying to think of what to do. But then another thought entered my apparently small mind. What if they had failed?
“HEY! Ares! Did you fucking get him?!” I yell into the com.
He crackles back, “Duh! Get the fuck back here!”
“I’m working on it!” I yell back frustrated.
Shit… now what? As I got closer to the city square I saw a figure repelling off the side of a building and break through a window. That must be Ares… he’s such a fucking bad ass.
The com link crackled and frenchy says, “Did you get rid of the blood?”
“Yeah!” I yell back, “But fuck! I cant land, how do I get down?!”
I think for a sec…
“Wait! If I jump out, will you levitate me?”
“You fucking better french bitch! Cause if you don’t I’m coming back from the grave with Satan and killing the fuck out of you!”
“Just jump mother fucker!”
So with a “HAIL SATAN!” I jump.
I keep falling and falling…
“Okay! You can cast it now! Frenchy? FRENCHY! DAMN IT!” I yell. Shit. Now I’m scared. Ima die because this French cock wad fucked up. The ground is almost to me. I close my eyes, but then, 10 meters from the ground, I slow, then come to a rest on the ground.
Frenchy is there, smirking at me.
“You fucker...” I say and walk past him to the car.
We all successfully got back to the hotel. We have succeeded but have to wait 3 weeks to fly back… which are boring. We get back to Washington and get our 100 k. I’m sad cause I didn’t get to keep the blimp. But I got a 100K and hijacked a blimp already in flight! How many people can say that shit? HAIL SATAN!